Higaonon Filipina writes about feeling unwanted in her FilAm community (A FAHM story)

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The author: Indigenous Pinay and  proud of it

The author: Indigenous Pinay and proud of it

By Sheena Ocot

My memories of Mama Liling, my paternal grandmother, will always be vivid.

She was there when we were little tykes romping around in our diapers. I would lie on her bed while she crocheted and I watched the Mets with her. She always let us play outside our home in Lodi, New Jersey until the sun went down. She had a lavish vegetable garden in the backyard and rose bushes on the side of the house.

Christmas meant everyone slept over and I mean everyone. There would be people sleeping on the couch that pulled out into a bed. When we had family visits from the Philippines, they stayed at Mama Liling’s. She always had room even if she didn’t. It was always loud and filled with life in that little house on Kipp Avenue. It was filled with her children, her friends, her grandchildren, and beyond. It was such a huge tribe. It was family. The bond, the closeness, the weirdness, and the differences.

I learned how at age 15, she was part of a Filipino softball league equivalent to All-American Girls Baseball League of the 1940s. She was like Dottie of “A League of Their Own.” She was one of the best!

In the 1940s, she had to escape into the mountains with three children under the age of 5 during the Japanese invasion. The Japanese soldiers did not know the territory high in the mountains and so her family was safe tucked away. I have always had this vision that when I grow old, I will be in the mountains.

‘I would lie on her bed while Mama Liling crocheted, and we would watch the Mets together.’

‘I would lie on her bed while Mama Liling crocheted, and we would watch the Mets together.’

She had a total of 10 children with Papa Thiago. She was a widow and never remarried. She came to America in the 70s with the help of her sister and petitioned most of her children to reside in the little town of Lodi. That’s how my mother and I came to the USA.

A Filipino trying to be American
I came to America when I was only a year old. English is my second language. Growing up, I had to balance being in a household where it was Filipino and I was trying to be “American” with my friends. Did I have a hard time? Maybe.

I do have a memory that at a young age, I despised my name and how I wanted my name to be “normal.” “Sheena” was and still is a very unique name. I was too young to appreciate being different from your classmates even though it was somewhat diverse. Was I having an identity crisis at such a young age? Maybe. I guess my whole beef was the fact that I could never find my name on a damn keychain!

I grew up in Lodi. Not an exciting town, but it’s where my brother and I experienced racism from a stupid bully. To this day, it really irks me when people acknowledge me as every Asian country on the map but can never guess Filipino and to say, “We all look alike.”

Her parents Jimmy and Chona Ocot: ‘I come from a strict household.’

Her parents Jimmy and Chona Ocot: ‘I come from a strict household.’

I always felt alienated within the Filipino American community. I never really hear stories on this topic. The dark side. We are always portrayed as a united community but I am not part of that nor felt that. I think that’s why I don’t have too many Filipino friends because they were never too friendly with me or were just faking it. I’ll never really know the answer to that but I guess in every race/culture you will have those few who feel unwanted. When I went to the Philippines, I realized the locals in the motherland were so friendly, caring, and loving as opposed to the Filipino Americans in the States. Isn’t that something?

Why would I want to be a part of that? I am one who has always rooted for the underdog, who stood up to people being bullied, and I’ll always talk about inclusion. I never want to mistreat anyone because it is already a hard enough world. It’s important to me to be mindful as I know sometimes we lack that. Sometimes it’s all talk, a buzz, but never fully maintained.

College dropout
Papa was a hard working merchant marine and is now living the retired life. He deserves every bit of it. Mama is a registered nurse with her stories of strength. I am a college dropout because at the time, I felt like I didn’t need it. My major was English Literature with a focus on writing. Maybe one day I will finish the few credits left to get my Bachelor’s.

The Higaonon tribe of Misamis, also known as the ‘people of the mountains.’

The Higaonon tribe of Misamis, also known as the ‘people of the mountains.’

My parents had a lot to do with the kind of human I am today. It was a strict household, one that I can only thank and appreciate up to today. As the oldest to two brothers with Papa always away on the ship, I learned to do a lot at a young age as Mama prepared me before I became a ‘dalaga.’ Make rice, do chores, learn to cook certain foods, get good grades, watch my brothers, and help Mama. Those traits shaped me. Respect is something ingrained in our culture as well as being humble. Two of the most important characters that I feel a lot of us lack these days.

I live in a city and for years now, I like my time spent in the peaceful outdoors! It resets my soul. I create whenever I get the chance, mostly setting up photo shoots when need be. I still shoot photos on 35mm film with my favorite Pentax camera. I have a green thumb and own about 11 plants in my humble abode. Halloween is my favorite holiday and I love watching horror movies by myself (yes at night, too). My friends tell me I am a rare gem and I walk to my own beat. I blame my astrology moon sign which is Scorpio. I am a mystery but full of heart.

My grandfather and great uncle were chiefs of the Higaonon tribe in Cagayan de Oro, my birthplace. Ever since I was a teenager, I wanted to know more about my identity, I wanted to know the stories of the family and stories of the Philippines. Being Filipino is more than just Filipino. We are so mixed, that is the beauty. So to find out that I am indigenous makes me super proud that it is part of who I am.

© 2017 The FilAm

Sheena Ocot is an artist living in Newark, New Jersey, her home for the last 10 years. She goes by the name “Sheena She.” She recently curated a Unity In Color – Newark edition photo shoot of women of different backgrounds and lifestyles. Her work can be found here: http://cargocollective.com/sheenashe https://www.instagram.com/thefilmbruja/ https://www.instagram.com/chainsawsjelly/

Some of the author’s photographs

Some of the author’s photographs



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